also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Your cock deserves a montage
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
