Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I want her autograph on my taint
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I need to calm my uterus...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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