i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
