i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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