I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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