Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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