I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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