Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
