Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Is it because I queefed?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
