i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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