My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
