I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
