So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
