if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I want to fling myself into the sun
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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