I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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