I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Still dying that you shit outside
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
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