I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We got so high we made milksteak
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
