oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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