Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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