I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
How's work?
Spinning.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
