I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
