happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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