Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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