I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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