I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
