he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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