Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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