i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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