Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
