I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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