me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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