I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
