Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
