What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
