Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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