She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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