I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
