Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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