Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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