when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
