Need sex. Gaining weight.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
