I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I stole a fireplace last night.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
