i just had sex bonerless
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guiltđ
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
