She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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