the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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