Got a toothbrush?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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