I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
