I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize