I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
