Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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