i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
