I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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