Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i drank out of a bidet.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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