don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize