Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
