Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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