Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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