I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
