No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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