his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you have to choose: penises or morals?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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